Dating Chronicles 2 - The Man With Flu Too Much

Update on Fang: 

Between pool and BBQ, he whispered, "I have a confession: I smoke. You don't smoke, right?" Right! I couldn't say anything at the time, but I checked his profile after the date and it read, "Never" under smoking. Since he had expressed interest in another date and smoking is a deal breaker for me, I wrote rather than ignore him: 

Hey, It was nice meeting you. However, it was a red flag to me that your profile says you don't smoke and you do. I would suggest updating that fact so that women aren't misled. Otherwise, I wish you the best in the dating scene.

Too candid? I blame you all. You have unleashed me into this dating Middle-earth.

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Slim, the IKEAn't Dad. Source: Built by CatholicGelt

Today I was supposed to have a second date with Slim, "an awesome father" and claims to have the following obscure knowledge: I can cook, fix, or build just about anything. Except maybe furniture from Ikea. Isn't IKEA furniture supposedly the simplest furniture to manufacture in house? It's the disassembling that makes IKEA a sinister pack of SOBs. Jim responded: How about we… fill two flasks and then hit up the Boston Harbor Islands. However, I cancelled last night because I wasn't feeling so hot today.

I have another date tomorrow, with another father, or as you would know him, the Man With Flu Too Much, as in he cancelled last Monday because he had the flu. I thought it was a line he pulled because he lost interest. To my surprise, he followed up and rescheduled. I'll be wearing a skirt because we are going with a more traditional dinner and drinks theme. 

I have had roughly ten guys show interest, particularly those dates that involve alcohol. I haven't accepted all the date offers for a few reasons:

• Shallowness
  • insert unibrows
• Psychosis
  • posting 56 dates = desperation?
• Abnormalities/Creepy
  • 37 year old man who wants to be a marshmallow peep. And no, you did not misread that
  • because he looks like one of my Russian relatives

Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

unless that's your mouth noshing on a gift horse.

When Swedish Lief moved in, we decided to take our first trip to IKEA, the land of plenty. We dressed in our finest attire. Swedish Lief wore a yellow soccer jersey from Sweden, while I adorned a Heineken t-shirt and white cowboy hat.

First stop: the IKEA cafeteria. We decided to sample all of the basics. Swedish Lief and I put sanity aside for the IKEA demi-gods, DINERA, ASKHOLMEN, nd FARTFULL. We found out that families repeatedly ate at IKEA since they can pay under $10/person for a massive tray of food. Wild to learn that horse meat could be so affordable.*

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The IKEA Triple Crown. It's all fun and meatballs, until you find out you ate Hidalgo.

​Once we pownd the meatballs, we packed up the extras to begin our search for Swedish Lief's desk. After about twenty minutes of passing by a dozen fake rooms, I couldn't take it anymore. I seriously zoned out on a bed and Swedish Lief went off on her own. A few customers asked Swedish Lief for directions and price checks because her yellow soccer jersey and jeans matched the IKEA employee uniform. She told me that some of those same customers stared at me, thinking that I needed a store buddy since I had clearly lost my way.

Look, I would expect no less from any of you.  ​All I have to say is that when you are marching around a giant warehouse holding thirty minute old horse balls, you start losing your mind. The balls start to smell and no garbage can in sight is an actual can for garbage. They are props, people. It's all props! You won't find me saddling up to go to IKEA any time soon. I guarantee it!

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That's better.​

*No horses were harmed in the making of this meal, or so we assume. The horse scare happened across the pond in February.

**If you would like a recipe for Apple Piebald, I suggest you find a real food recipe at Willow Bird Baking, an award winning food blogger and friend.