My misadventures on display for all to read.
I received over twenty taglines for Fugly Doodle Fridays Bumperstickers.
Hava nagila, my friends!
Our first submission follows on the theme of mothers. My friends in California who ride their bikes everywhere see a common bumper sticker with the theme of "My other car is a car." They would like to stand up for the rights of cyclists everywhere and say
Happy almost Mother's Day!
I found out this week that a baby elephant wept for five hours after his mama stepped on him, not only once, but twice! The zookeeper at the Shendiaoshan Wild Animal Nature Reserve in Rongcheng, China has taken in the baby so not all is lost.
As a preventative measure, I am going to be mailing this bumper sticker to the zookeeper so he can slap it onto the rumps of other newborn calves. I am happy to play such a small, yet significant, role in animal conservation.
Humbly Yours,
CatholicGelt
Love can be so cruel.
In honor of Fugly Doodle Friday, I bring you a new concept: bumper stickers by CatholicGelt and friends. If you have any phrases or ideas that you would like me to make into a bumper sticker, hit me up and I will use my handy dandy editing skills in MS Paint and CustomInk to create a design.
Between pool and BBQ, he whispered, "I have a confession: I smoke. You don't smoke, right?" Right! I couldn't say anything at the time, but I checked his profile after the date and it read, "Never" under smoking. Since he had expressed interest in another date and smoking is a deal breaker for me, I wrote rather than ignore him:
Hey, It was nice meeting you. However, it was a red flag to me that your profile says you don't smoke and you do. I would suggest updating that fact so that women aren't misled. Otherwise, I wish you the best in the dating scene.
Too candid? I blame you all. You have unleashed me into this dating Middle-earth.
Slim, the IKEAn't Dad. Source: Built by CatholicGelt
Today I was supposed to have a second date with Slim, "an awesome father" and claims to have the following obscure knowledge: I can cook, fix, or build just about anything. Except maybe furniture from Ikea. Isn't IKEA furniture supposedly the simplest furniture to manufacture in house? It's the disassembling that makes IKEA a sinister pack of SOBs. Jim responded: How about we… fill two flasks and then hit up the Boston Harbor Islands. However, I cancelled last night because I wasn't feeling so hot today.
I have another date tomorrow, with another father, or as you would know him, the Man With Flu Too Much, as in he cancelled last Monday because he had the flu. I thought it was a line he pulled because he lost interest. To my surprise, he followed up and rescheduled. I'll be wearing a skirt because we are going with a more traditional dinner and drinks theme.
I have had roughly ten guys show interest, particularly those dates that involve alcohol. I haven't accepted all the date offers for a few reasons:
Reminder: this is the original email post-date.
Fang, the Handsy Chiro. Source: Built by CatholicGelt
Hello Team Amazons!
I write you from the Marriott Hotel lobby at Kendall Square/MIT. Tonight marks the inaugural date for the How About We challenge that my small group in Boston set up for me. Yes, as Swedish Lief pointed out, my all women Bible study group paid for me to start dating. My assessment is that they are looking for very cheap entertainment and now it's time for the monkey to dance.
Meet Fang. According to his profile, he possesses an infatuation for Jewel. That really sold me off the bat, if selling means slightly gagging because you think Jewel is a tool. However, it says that he a is chiropractor and you all know how much I love young, male chiropractors who use their hands a lot (as Fang mentioned on our date). He actually showed intrigue for a date that I posted: How about we… find an arcade and play Big Buck Hunter.
Instead, we went to a pool hall, played pool and ate BBQ. There was nothing awkward about Fang, at least in our hour and a half encounter. He hugged at the opening, smiled a lot, asked questions and made small talk. I lost all three games so I had to buy drinks and pay for pool. He bought dinner. However, when everything was going fine, as in, I didn't have to be physical or flirty, he went to show me a pool stroke. Yes, I had to bend over, and then he grabbed my right hip and pulled it in toward him. Then he began to playfully insult me, which meant his game got worse. Then he showed me another move that involved touching my hand. The entire time I kept wondering if that would happen. The wondering definitely got addressed. However, knowing me, this meant I acted more like a tomboy than a tomgirl, i.e. my voice dropped and I acted as if I were hanging out with one of the guys. Yeah, I am such a smooth operator.
Monk Francais exposes my inner agony in her Emmy winning performance as Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series.
On our way out, right before we parted ways, is where it gets really interesting. Consider the fact that he is built like a rugby playing bear, he goes in for a hug. He slams his body into mine and then moans. Yes, he moans. I could see my perplexed face as I had a momentary OBE (out of body experience). We held this hug for about ten seconds, which is the same amount of time it takes a tree to grow in Brooklyn, or it feels like forever for those lost in the analogy. While walking away, Fang says, "Let's do something again soon." I gestured for him to write me, as if typing on a keyboard. What? Yes, this was definitely an asexual encounter of the third kind. All in all, I would say that it was a positive experience since I felt comfortable for 95% of it.
Oh, and the guy who cancelled with the flu wrote me back.* We are going out on Monday. And Sunday I am going out with another man. More to come.
CatholicGelt
My ever seductive How About We profile photo.
*I was supposed to go out on a date, but the guy claimed the flu. I had another date with a different hombre scheduled for that Friday and then a third for that weekend. I may have mastered other areas of my life, but I only possess a GED when it comes to men. That date in kindergarten probably doesn't count.
show you a few things about love. - Justin Timberlake
It's been almost a year since posting and boy, do I have some surprises for you!
Many of my friends are in relationships, either with a spouse, significant other, pillow, or favorite cheese. I have almost always been single, unless you count that time when I was five years old and my Korean friend kissed me in the laundry closet. Honestly, I was at his birthday to eat as much kimchi as I could stand, but he clearly sought out a spicier dish. Now that I am of age, my friends are usually encouraging me to date online or in person, write Hugh Jackman, attend Meetups. Be anything but single.
A group of these women, who I deemed the Amazons, decided it their duty to buy me a subscription to How About We. The premise of the online dating site is to propose an action and do it with the interested party. My friends insisted on writing my profile and since they were paying, a contract followed. Over the next couple of weeks, I will share the rules, what ensued, and responses to the email reflections I had to write. The men and Amazons will remain anonymous, but trust me, that won't make much of difference.
Suited up for the job!
CatholicGelt hereby agrees to the following in accordance with our 6 month gift subscription to How About We
Signed,
CatholicGelt
