Dating Chronicles 2 - The Man With Flu Too Much

Update on Fang: 

Between pool and BBQ, he whispered, "I have a confession: I smoke. You don't smoke, right?" Right! I couldn't say anything at the time, but I checked his profile after the date and it read, "Never" under smoking. Since he had expressed interest in another date and smoking is a deal breaker for me, I wrote rather than ignore him: 

Hey, It was nice meeting you. However, it was a red flag to me that your profile says you don't smoke and you do. I would suggest updating that fact so that women aren't misled. Otherwise, I wish you the best in the dating scene.

Too candid? I blame you all. You have unleashed me into this dating Middle-earth.

---

View fullsize

Slim, the IKEAn't Dad. Source: Built by CatholicGelt

Today I was supposed to have a second date with Slim, "an awesome father" and claims to have the following obscure knowledge: I can cook, fix, or build just about anything. Except maybe furniture from Ikea. Isn't IKEA furniture supposedly the simplest furniture to manufacture in house? It's the disassembling that makes IKEA a sinister pack of SOBs. Jim responded: How about we… fill two flasks and then hit up the Boston Harbor Islands. However, I cancelled last night because I wasn't feeling so hot today.

I have another date tomorrow, with another father, or as you would know him, the Man With Flu Too Much, as in he cancelled last Monday because he had the flu. I thought it was a line he pulled because he lost interest. To my surprise, he followed up and rescheduled. I'll be wearing a skirt because we are going with a more traditional dinner and drinks theme. 

I have had roughly ten guys show interest, particularly those dates that involve alcohol. I haven't accepted all the date offers for a few reasons:

• Shallowness
  • insert unibrows
• Psychosis
  • posting 56 dates = desperation?
• Abnormalities/Creepy
  • 37 year old man who wants to be a marshmallow peep. And no, you did not misread that
  • because he looks like one of my Russian relatives

Dating Chronicles 1 - Fang, the Chiropractor

Reminder: this is the original email post-date.

View fullsize

Fang, the Handsy Chiro. Source: Built by CatholicGelt

Hello Team Amazons!
I write you from the Marriott Hotel lobby at Kendall Square/MIT. Tonight marks the inaugural date for the How About We challenge that my small group in Boston set up for me. Yes, as Swedish Lief pointed out, my all women Bible study group paid for me to start dating. My assessment is that they are looking for very cheap entertainment and now it's time for the monkey to dance.

Meet Fang. According to his profile, he possesses an infatuation for Jewel. That really sold me off the bat, if selling means slightly gagging because you think Jewel is a tool. However, it says that he a is chiropractor and you all know how much I love young, male chiropractors who use their hands a lot (as Fang mentioned on our date). He actually showed intrigue for a date that I posted: How about we… find an arcade and play Big Buck Hunter. 

Instead, we went to a pool hall, played pool and ate BBQ. There was nothing awkward about Fang, at least in our hour and a half encounter. He hugged at the opening, smiled a lot, asked questions and made small talk. I lost all three games so I had to buy drinks and pay for pool. He bought dinner. However, when everything was going fine, as in, I didn't have to be physical or flirty, he went to show me a pool stroke. Yes, I had to bend over, and then he grabbed my right hip and pulled it in toward him. Then he began to playfully insult me, which meant his game got worse. Then he showed me another move that involved touching my hand. The entire time I kept wondering if that would happen. The wondering definitely got addressed. However, knowing me, this meant I acted more like a tomboy than a tomgirl, i.e. my voice dropped and I acted as if I were hanging out with one of the guys. Yeah, I am such a smooth operator.

View fullsize

Monk Francais exposes my inner agony in her Emmy winning performance as Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series.

On our way out, right before we parted ways, is where it gets really interesting. Consider the fact that he is built like a rugby playing bear, he goes in for a hug. He slams his body into mine and then moans. Yes, he moans. I could see my perplexed face as I had a momentary OBE (out of body experience). We held this hug for about ten seconds, which is the same amount of time it takes a tree to grow in Brooklyn, or it feels like forever for those lost in the analogy. While walking away, Fang says, "Let's do something again soon." I gestured for him to write me, as if typing on a keyboard. What? Yes, this was definitely an asexual encounter of the third kind. All in all, I would say that it was a positive experience since I felt comfortable for 95% of it.

Oh, and the guy who cancelled with the flu wrote me back.* We are going out on Monday. And Sunday I am going out with another man. More to come.

CatholicGelt

---

My ever seductive How About We profile photo.

*I was supposed to go out on a date, but the guy claimed the flu. I had another date with a different hombre scheduled for that Friday and then a third for that weekend. I may have mastered other areas of my life, but I only possess a GED when it comes to men. That date in kindergarten probably doesn't count.

Let Me Show You A Few Things

show you a few things about love. - Justin Timberlake

It's been almost a year since posting and boy, do I have some surprises for you!

Many of my friends are in relationships, either with a spouse, significant other, pillow, or favorite cheese. I have almost always been single, unless you count that time when I was five years old and my Korean friend kissed me in the laundry closet. Honestly, I was at his birthday to eat as much kimchi as I could stand, but he clearly sought out a spicier dish. Now that I am of age, my friends are usually encouraging me to date online or in person, write Hugh Jackman, attend Meetups. Be anything but single. 

A group of these women, who I deemed the Amazons, decided it their duty to buy me a subscription to How About We. The premise of the online dating site is to propose an action and do it with the interested party. My friends insisted on writing my profile and since they were paying, a contract followed. Over the next couple of weeks, I will share the rules, what ensued, and responses to the email reflections I had to write. The men and Amazons will remain anonymous, but trust me, that won't make much of difference. 

Suited up for the job!

Terms and Conditions for 6-month contract

CatholicGelt hereby agrees to the following in accordance with our 6 month gift subscription to How About We

• 2.5 dates/month (15 dates total during the contract period)
• Written report following each date sent to the email recipients included herein
• No Facebook posts shall be made by anyone on this email list in regard to this contract or information provided in the written reports
• CatholicGelt is required to use utmost discretion in her incorporation of date material in any stand-up routine
• CatholicGelt is not permitted to share any content from these dates during the 6 month contract period or for 1 month following the 6 month contract period
• Any changes to the profile must be approved by the signors of this contract and will take place only where three or more signors are present 
• Other terms and conditions may be added at the discretion of its authors

Signed,

CatholicGelt

Sons of Anarchy - Call Me #Failure, Maybe

12 oz of happiness and no motorcycle to prove it.

Your Daughter of Anarchy bailed on the moto expo. I found out it cost over $15 and I could not get myself to pay for it. I am sorry. Well, not really sorry to you as much as to myself because of my lack of self control at lunch.

My roommate, Swedish Lief (thanks to CatholcGelt's random name generator) got her car detailed. With two hours to waste and a mealtime to fill, we headed over to a local pub for burgers, a major no-no on my acceptable food list.*

Swedish Lief ordered the mushroom and caramelized burger while I got the jumbo 12 oz. burger with fried jalapenos and fried onions. Plus sweet potato fries, which came on the house since our waiter forgot to include them.

About 6 oz into the meal, my small mouth couldn't handle eating any more meat, bread, or potatoes. It seriously concerned me that I might get locked jaw from this seven inch tall behemoth. My roommate would have no such nonsense. "Eat your pickle. All of it!" For each additional ounce I consumed, my happiness quotient deteriorated in the opposite direction.

To cap it all off, Swedish Lief grabbed the bill and wrote, "Call me, <insert my phone number>" at the bottom. And then made a run for the door. **

*Over the last six months, my strict diet of meat, grass, and no exercise has helped me lose 25 lbs. Please consult your WebMD before following any advice herein as I only take credit for gained weight and gelato-induced bliss.

**I do not condone this behavior, but the waiter made a "that's what she said" joke. And since I laughed, Swedish Lief names this an act of flirtation.

Sons of Anarchy - Moto Expo this Weekend!

I may buy a motorcycle by Sunday. And find the anarchist of my dreams.

On Saturday and Sunday, the Northeast Motorcycle Expo will be in Boston. I don't know jack about motorcycles except that I wanted a moped after college. Does that even count? My med school friends called them donor peds and since I never wanted to turn into Inside-Out Boy, I took the bus like a chump.

Fear aside, I am going to try to meet some bad ass motorcycle enthusiasts. Just saying that means I am probably not wearing enough leather to this event. Check back on Sunday to see if I bought a bike or met the SOA of my dreams. Does he exist? I've never watched the show. All I know is that Ron Perlman plays a leading role and if Jewish biker gangs exist, take me, I am yours.