My misadventures on display for all to read.

[The Listserve] My Other Left Breast. Or a Reason to Meet in Chicago Over Cheese

This is an e-mail lottery. One person a day wins a chance to write to the growing list of subscribers. It could be you.

It's not often the average person gets a second chance at winning. Well, I guess I am no longer average. Because this is the second time that I have won the drawing for the Listserve.

The last time I heard from Zena Koo, I was in NYC on holiday in 2015 when I wrote about being single and accidentally exposing myself to the guy that took me to a pool hall for an online date. I received an overwhelming amount of responses, from men, women. Single. Dating. Near and far. I even received offers for dates. On Skype. In person. Via email. Then there were the people who asked me to write guest posts on their blogs. And those that wrote email exchanges lasted for days at a time. It was a joy to read other stories from people, but then I got too busy. Busy with the New Year. Busy with the rest of my life. Graduate school started again, deprioritizing anything beyond a hundred mile radius. I didn't make time to update my blog. Didn't add the new subscribers from the Listserve readership who requested updates about my life. Readers were gracious enough to visit my blog. Thousands of views on my site dropped to dozens. An opportunity lost to share more comedy, to nurture new relationships, and to potentially fall in. Out. And back into love.

Over the last twenty months, I thought about how I had potentially squandered something great. How I had not done enough to keep a unique experience alive. I thought about it in the shower. On a trip I had taken this summer to Southeast Asia, Africa, Europe and Iceland. There were many new unique moments, like thinking I would die from being stung by a jellyfish in the Philippines, skimming my knee in Myanmar on my first ever motorbike ride, staring at hot Irish guys with man buns, and looking for remnants of Thor in glaciers and cliffs. Despite all of that, I still daydreamed about what if I the Listserve to do all over again. What would I have done?

With that, I propose a challenge. MEET ME AND MY COVERED BOSOMS IN CHICAGO for the Grate Cheese Caper of 2016. A picnic where we feast on cheese. If you don't eat cheese, bring fancy crackers, If you don't eat crackers, bring wine. And if you don't consume any of those delicious treats, we may have to have a soul reflection together where I better understand your hesitation for joy and grateness. In the meantime, grab your blanket and head to the destination below. Rain or shine.

ADDRESS:  Waveland Picnic Field, Chicago, IL 60613
GPS COORDINATES: 41.951474, -87.640569
DATE: Saturday, September 10th, 2016
TIME: 1:00pm - 3:00pm CST
HASHTAG: #gratecheesecaper2016

Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to spend this second chance with you. I sure do hope so.

Living a life full of gratitude, cheese, and flimsy breasts.

Chicago, IL


Dating Chronicles 3 - Look Away

Many of you have inquired about my most recent dates. Emailing, calling, and asking about the next man. As you recently heard, a few of the men smoke with babies. Make baby smoke. Smoke and have babies. I am not a fan of smoking babies because it puts tears in my eyes so I decided to not attend the last two dates. However, my neighbor has reassured me that I have a cute nose, mouth and eyes so there are bound to be more opportunities. She is a lovely artist, with a husband and two grown children so I trust her judgement. 

The time of this particular date was right before Swedish Lief and her Man-of-Mystery decided to room with me. I had just started looking for a new roommate on Craigslist which resulted in two guys checking out the apartment. I declared that these thirty minute visits would count as dates so I would only have twelve more to go on in the following five months. This caused backlash from the group of women who handcrafted my account and contract. 

A Woman Betrothed: I do not agree that the Craigslist appointments count as dates.

The Enforcer: I am with a Woman Betrothed. Pease refer to the contract. It requires three votes to make any amendments. At least that was the intent of its authors though only explicitly laid out in the bullet referring to profile changes.

CatholicGelt: Fine. I would like to propose that Freecycle and Craigslist, both <dot>org websites, are equal opportunity platforms for identifying men. I don't want to lose out on any missed connections.

The Enforcer: As long as an actual outing is arranged for purely social purposes (i.e. not apartment visits) then the signers will consider it. But I must bow to the 3/4 majority on this. Ladies?

A Woman Betrothed: I agree that it's fine to find men from other sources, but an actual social outing (i.e., date) must be arranged for it to count.

CatholicGelt: You all are clearly going out on dates, often. I consider 97% of my encounters with the opposite sex as dates. For example, if I am at Whole Foods and the grocer bags my melons, I consider that a night out on the town.

Mère de Fleur: Bagging your melons, CatholicGelt? That sounds pretty intense for a first date if you ask me.  I kind of agree with a Woman Betrothed and the Enforcer, though I do sympathize with your point of view as I averaged about two to three dates every five years in my single days and coming up with twelve in a short period would have seemed totally overwhelming... However, I'm sure it can be done!  Maybe if you and a prospective single male apartment dweller were to meet up for coffee or dinner that might count?

After my friends pummeled me with regulations, I boarded a plane to Chicago where I had signed up for comedy classes at The Second City. Instead of ignoring my dating obligations, I changed the location of my How About We profile to see if I could score a new date or two in Chicago. And then I did!

Dating Chronicles - Commentary

I have learned that a date can go one of two ways: well guided or completely off course. This aligns fairly well with how I tend to dance. 

My undiagnosed boogie down syndrome.

Despite my tendencies for graceful chaos, I still have friends who particularly enjoy supplying me with their two cents. What are friends for if but not a lovingly honest and supportive peanut gallery? Allow me to share with you the dating commentary my friends so willingly bestowed upon me.

Well, dear friend, I’m just glad that you’re out there and experimenting.
— My Mentor
CatholicGelt is right to not take up all the offers - I personally saw the choices out there and many are less than appealing. Good luck with the next one CatholicGelt!
— Baby Mama in Auburn
You made me laugh at “looks like one of my Russian relatives.” Don’t hate on your “kind”, You may just find your soulmate in the face of your 80-year old uncle.

Although I am a bad friend for reading these more than 24-hours after-the-fact, I am quite thrilled with the continuous updates. Before long, you’ll be one of those girls where I can’t keep all her “boy toys” straight.
— Swedish Lief
Like Swedish Lief, I am behind on reading the updates. But I do agree that posting 56 dates may be a sign of desperation. Or instead, it could be a sign of someone who “lives” on sites like How About We and Facebook. Hmm, that reminds me of your own self-description, CatholicGelt: “Facebook is my home.”

Maybe the 56 date guy deserves another chance, then?
— A Woman Betrothed
This is amazing!! Keep up the updates!

At least you don’t yet have a story like mine...where the quadriplegic guy told me that he lowered his standards after his accident and now he is open to dating girls who looked like me instead of only dating model-types! Classic!

We should combine forces to write a book on dating experiences when all of this is said and done!

It’s a jungle out there! You are in my prayers!
— The Girl with the Dragon Fire Hair